Cable, Internet guys live up to reputation; They'll show up sometime -- just not when they say

Cliches about certain occupations become cliches for a reason.

Lawyers, doctors, interior designers, cabdrivers, constructionworkers, journalists -- they're all subjected to certainstereotypes.

Then there's the Internet/cable guy. We crack on the Internet/cable guy never showing up because . . . well, because it fits.

You might remember the cable guy's confession to Kramer on"Seinfeld." Finally broken by Kramer's campaign to turn the tables,the cable guy says:

"All right. . . . You win, OK? You win. I can't do it any more.What d'you want from me? Apology? All right, I'm sorry. There, Isaid it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel whenwe made you sit home waiting. I don't know why we do it. I guessmaybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people.

"Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine totwelve,' no more 'one to five.' We're gonna have appointments.Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't makeit, we're gonna call you, tell you why. For god's sakes, if a doctorcan do it, why can't we?"

Funny. Pure fantasy, but funny stuff.

YOU ARE NOT CONNECTED

My home office Internet connection for all three computers wentdown on a Monday in November, around 8 a.m. I called the Comcasttrouble-shooting number and punched my way through the "English,Espanol," "Cable TV, Internet" options. When I was connected to ahuman, I was asked to give the telephone number associated with myaccount, my name, address, etc.

Game on.

After we were unable to re-establish a connection via the phone,I was told there was an outage in the area and a team was working onit.

A team. You picture "the team" as a small band of techno-geniuses in military-type outfits, scaling telephone poles,rappelling about, perhaps digging into the ground, doing WHATEVER ITTAKES to fix the problem.

That's probably not entirely accurate.

By Monday afternoon, I still had no connection, so I made anappointment for a technician to make a house call. I was toldsomeone would be out the next morning, between 8 a.m. and noon.

Nobody showed up.

Tuesday afternoon, a Team Roeper staff member called Comcast andwas told the technician had come out -- but nobody was home.

An interesting report, considering that I live in a 24-hourdoorman building, and at the time of the alleged "nobody home"visit, there were SIX people in my house.

We rescheduled.

Nobody showed up.

We rescheduled again.

STILL NOT CONNECTED

Occasionally I'd hear from Comcast, but they were just giving metemporary hope, like the homecoming queen toying with a geek butnever showing up for the supposed date. An automated message ("Thisis Comcast calling to confirm your appoin" -- and then it would justdisconnect) or even a real person would offer the promise of avisit, a visit that failed to materialize on at least six occasions.

One of the problems is when you talk to the 800-number people,they can't or won't put you in touch with the actual person in thetruck who keeps claiming you're not home, and yet never calls thenumbers you've provided. They just apologize and put in an order foranother visit, which never happens.

This happened at least a half-dozen times. At one point, I was onthe phone with an operator who kept telling me I was the one"canceling" appointments, so I'd have to reschedule. When sheoffered me a time slot that would coincide with 20 people arrivingat my house for Thanksgiving dinner, and I asked if I should set outan extra plate, there was a long pause before she said, "Do you wantthe appointment or not?"

I'd like to say I kept a Zen attitude throughout, but when I wasdealing with a particularly obtuse operator and she said, "Sir,you've now told me THREE TIMES you haven't had service all week," Isaid, "That's because when dealing with small children, horses andstupid people, one must repeat oneself in the hopes the message willeventually get through."

Not nice, I'll admit it, but it was either that or jump off myroof.

At which point I would have landed on the technician's truck ashe pulled up.

Editor's note: After several more snafus, Richard Roeper hasInternet service again. We're slowly weaning him from the meds. Heshould be OK.